I was thinking...

i was thinking and remembered this feeling of anger and sadness i have felt during high school....i always hated when my friends would say "i am doing this because i am protecting you" just this feeling of a little kid who needed protecting ugh.....and one of my ex-friends like always threw parties but never invited me (their was drinking) but the thing is back then i would idolize that and then feel depressed because i never went......but i would always come to reasoning with myself saying to myself that he was trying to protect me. I have always been the one who has been protected like some fragile doll yea know. I hate that, but i try to bottle that feeling inside. Recently it has started to show. Oh dear, i want to just murder that feeling. ugh just go away! Now that i have left my guards, left the mansion i was trapped in my whole life, left the protection, i still feel like a prisoner to my own feelings. i have lived a privileged life, always wearing a mask of happiness, joy, innocence, purity, and playfulness. Now that i try to leave it behind, i can not help to think i might lose myself and start to question of who am i in this world so big and so cruel. But of course i want to keep my aristocratic ways to hold power and elegance and beauty. But the real joy i see is in what is yet to be written in the book of my life. i hope to see light instead of this darkness. Oh joy oh joy, whoever triggered this will soon parish for i have never written something so personal and so dark as this. So, i bid adieu to you my reader to these lovely and elegant thoughts of yours truly. See you soon in the later chapter of my life.