I was thinking...

i was thinking and remembered this feeling of anger and sadness i have felt during high school....i always hated when my friends would say "i am doing this because i am protecting you" just this feeling of a little kid who needed protecting ugh.....and one of my ex-friends like always threw parties but never invited me (their was drinking) but the thing is back then i would idolize that and then feel depressed because i never went......but i would always come to reasoning with myself saying to myself that he was trying to protect me. I have always been the one who has been protected like some fragile doll yea know. I hate that, but i try to bottle that feeling inside. Recently it has started to show. Oh dear, i want to just murder that feeling. ugh just go away! Now that i have left my guards, left the mansion i was trapped in my whole life, left the protection, i still feel like a prisoner to my own feelings. i have lived a privileged life, always wearing a mask of happiness, joy, innocence, purity, and playfulness. Now that i try to leave it behind, i can not help to think i might lose myself and start to question of who am i in this world so big and so cruel. But of course i want to keep my aristocratic ways to hold power and elegance and beauty. But the real joy i see is in what is yet to be written in the book of my life. i hope to see light instead of this darkness. Oh joy oh joy, whoever triggered this will soon parish for i have never written something so personal and so dark as this. So, i bid adieu to you my reader to these lovely and elegant thoughts of yours truly. See you soon in the later chapter of my life.

Just feel like ranting

So hi, i feel like ranting about something so here it goes lol. well my friend want me to drink at AX and i dont want to for a few reasons. one reason being that i dont like to drink....period!...and why you might ask, well my dad thats why. i hate it when he drinks. he gets on my nerves. also, when he does bring beer in the house like corona, i usually tell him im going to smash the bottles in the back yard....which i sometimes do. second, when i do drink it will be when im 21 and it will be wine because i will be like having dinner...you know like in Italy. thats the only time i will drink not at some stupid party and just to get drunk because thats just stupid. even at my own wedding i will not have any alcohol, i will however, have a bar, but you will have to pay to drink MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. third of all, i have morals and stadards of living. i say drink, but with modesty because i hate dealing with drunks. geeze, i just hate it!!! i really dont care if my friend drinks because thats the path they chose, not me. like i always say live life they way you please. and this is how i live mine....alcohol free.....also, i really do not like it when guys talk about grils as objects to be owned or won over. and those girls who put themsleves "in the market" are either confused or sluts. geeze, why cant any they just dress like normal people. and its also they guys fault not just the girls becaus ethey use the lame exuse "well what can i do they just thorw themselves at me." or "boys will be boys" thats just lame and retarded responses. that just irritates me! thats why i like being "weird" (thats what people would think) but i think they are foolish for doing stuff like that. whoever read this, sorry for my misspelling, im just mad lol isnt that a rant anyways. sometimes i can be a hikikkimori at parties or just places because i dont like talking to people that much, especially if they do not have the same intrests like me. i think its much easier to talk online then anything, well that can be a problem cuz we are sorta losing that human contact with one another lol. well, i guess im done ranting lol, so thanks for reading this....you didnt have to because i just wanted to vent....well off to AX '11 :]